Falling in love with the wind: Armour

Falling in love with the wind: Armour

Armour

So contemplating a discusion with Omega and a few childhood experiences we dredged up, I have a few thoughts to blog...

As parents, most of us really wanted our children and planned them with all the best intentions...but alot of parents fail to raise children with the right life skills, as in our case - we were taught coping skills and that is the armour we have dressed ourselves in when we face the world and our relationships, complete with weapons for self-defense. It appears we siblings have all chosen spouses with similar situations. Relationships have been battlefields including landmines. It is no wonder that as adults we are struggling with our identities and the consequences of choices we were ill-prepared to make.

I look at my own armour, forged at such an impressionable age. I was taught love and sex by two people that had not been taught well themselves however when i look at my grandparent's relationships, i know my folks did a better job with us and that is comforting. I also know Lin and I have done better with Mandilion. While she has her own malware from childhood, it is not the full body armour that her parents carried into their relationship and she was not raised by a raging alchoholic mother nor an emotionally and physically absent father - we learned from our childhoods and mandilion is the reward.

I love my parents, perhaps more now that i know their flaws and those flaws can no longer hurt me. Thru my own life altering transformation periods, my armour has slowly been falling away with little residual plates and such to remind me there is still work to be done, but the woman beneath the hard shell is emerging and i am so grateful to be able to share this with the people i love, particularly mandilion. She can see me in all my unthreatening humanity, my failures and my triumphs and she celebrates with me and ...learns.

Once she confided that there was a night in her childhood before the divorce that Lin and i argued and she huddled under her bed crying for us to stop...that 1 night brought back the multitudes of nights spent huddled with my siblings at the top of the stairs crying and fearful of what the latest argument would render...too close for comfort that experience was. She has forgiven us but like me, has never forgotten it.

Parents should not do that to their children...it forges unwanted armour~

For Robert

10/24/09

It has been 4 1/2 years since Rob set himself on fire and 6 days before his birthday on October 30th. It is also 1 month away from our Thanksgiving pilgrimage to Litchfield to disperse his ashes on the beach along with Mom and Dad's…time for closure. And I find myself in a scar management CE class for massage with a focus on burn victims…

I do not believe in coincidence and so this does not truly surprise me however I am always amazed at how the Source works. I have been writing letters in my head to my departed loved ones to be burned and dispersed with their ashes next month and naturally today, Rob was on my mind as I viewed the horrific slides of burn victims and the massive disfigurement that takes place not just from the burn and subsequent scarring but the life saving measures as well…

Perhaps Rob was the lucky one considering he arrived at the Chattanooga Burn Center with over 90% of his body burned to a 3^rd degree level. The demons that had made his life hell enough to cause his demise could not compare to the hell he would have lived thru had he survived. This had caused me to give greater thought to Rob's last few lucid moments before the grace of the Divine took him to unconsciousness. Until today, I could only imagine…

Today, in the display the class instructor had at the front of the room were 2 books written by Jonathan Scott, a burn survivor. I opened the first one entitled "The Not So Pleasant" and only had to read the first four entries…after that, nothing else pertained to Rob's experience…he did not live 12 hours. I read and shakily replaced the book - my composure threatening to break. However, the words would not leave me in peace and at the end of class, I retrieved the book and began writing those 4 short pages.

The Instructor noticed as I was completing the task and quietly asked if I would like to borrow the book for the evening to finish reading it. By this point my eyes had filled with the unshed tears of earlier and I thanked her, telling her that I had all I needed. I had just simply wanted to know what my brother felt his last few moments of life and now, I knew~

So, as I am finding closure in the long and painful grieving process, I will close this blog with the words of Jonathan Scott and quite possibly what my own brother would have written had he survived…

Burning (an excerpt)

By Jonathan Scott

Surprising cold

Everything is on fire

Flames scream across my eyes

Everything is on fire

Why am I so cold?

A flash

Hot all over then suddenly cold

An unexpected shift

So many voices screaming panic

Finally calm

Fragile

I was right there rolling on the ground

Nothing seemed to work

Nothing could satiate the flames as they lapped across my body and peeled me apart

Layer by layer

Revealing to the world how fragile I really am.

I'm melting

Layer by layer

My callous shell peeling apart

My body trembling now shaking, convulsing

My breath past me now

To far gone to catch up

I can't wait

For a moment {of} peace…

I love you Robert

A Return to my Full Moon Chronicles

So my last blog left me wondering where the moon was but today, the full moon has found me as it always does with major events and transitions…

Last week before I left town to spend the majority of the week with my uncle and his family, the Kramers, I pledged to find full time work to start upon my return. Amazingly, I did! However, it is bittersweet. I have joined the corporate massage world to the chagrin of my “purist” colleagues. Because of the 2 vastly different employers I now have, I can say I work in the most coveted of environments that will open doors for me career-wise and I also work at the most criticized of massage environments…a chain/franchise. I have “sold-out” so I can pay my bills. “sigh”…

So tomorrow I begin a work schedule that encompasses only 7 days a week –a “wonderful” combination of split shifts , weekends and holidays…it is what it is~

The other more significant event that has taken place this full moon is the passing of my uncle George less than 48 hrs after my departure from his home. This visit was a finale from it’s planning but still, the speed of my uncle’s decline from my prior visit a week and a half before was not totally expected. I still thought we would have time to talk about life and such upon my return, but confusion, agitation and sleep took those opportunities away. Funny how Hollywood has glamorized death…what few moments uncle George and I had to discus meaningful things on my first visit were so spontaneous and fortuitous that had I not been open, I would have missed them entirely. When and where do those long and meaningful discussions and conversations take place that the movies focus on in any flick that has a death of a significant character? So far, the significant characters in my life that have passed have been given little time or presence of mind to hand out words of wisdom or comfort for the living…

Not that self-comfort was my intention or reason for going to Marydell farm. I truly wanted to spend time with my cousins and aunt and uncle – helping any way that my own recent experiences could benefit….but how I would have loved more time for a rich conversation with my uncle! If anything, these experiences have taught me to treat ALL time as sacred – don’t wait til it is being taken away.

I will document that while I visited my uncle, I felt my mom with me and when Uncle George and I did talk, I felt comfortable and peaceful…as if reuniting the two sibling with my physical presence thus feeling loved and comforted in return. I also amazed myself by the realization that I could be in the presence of uncle George and his family and not regress to any unresolved grief of my own…just a few places in my heart still carrying a bruise or two but nothing I was not able to work thru.

I am so gratefully for the time I spent at Marydell with the Kramers…so honored to become so intimately intertwined in the transition, the pain, the love and ultimately the acceptance and peace amongst the tears. Death truly forces us to look beyond the surface to the beauty within and only thru acceptance can a quiet joy be found wrapped in the raw pain of it all~

And another wonderful milestone this full moon…my baby became an adult celebrating her 18^th birthday :- ) I have succeeded in helping her to this stage and so grateful to have had THIS opportunity! The time has flown in a way I would not have believed possible...

Lin came up and we actually celebrated yesterday because Mandalyn had plans with friends on Friday, her actual birthday.

So upon request, we ate Thai at Pat's place, opened presents and ate a funfetti cake that Lin and I baked together for the occasion. Then Mandalyn returned with me to my place and spent the night. We watched a little “Big Bang Theory” on DVD and shared pillow talk in the dark snuggled under blankets as the October night complete with moonbeams gently stole into my bedroom:- ) It was such a perfect day!

I would not change a thing! I will say here though that the real gift was given to me and I am sure other mothers of grown children would agree. To have my little Mino spend the night, not only under my roof where I knew she was safe for the night but at arm's reach as well so that thru the night, I could confirm that for these brief hours she was safe and with me. As melodramatic as this sounds...if the world had ended last night with her with me - I could hope for nothing more perfect than that. How I love her so!

Today was just as wonderful starting with coffee and me giving Mandalyn a massage as her dad and I chatted about currents interests. Then it was out to lunch, seafood the choice and then on to campus and her studio to see the accomplishments and creations of our young artist. After hugs and goodbyes, I brought Lin back to his car, wished him well for his 6 hour journey home, ran a few errands and returned home to process a very emotionally charged weekend.

So tonight, clouds hide the full moon I know is behind them as I prepare for a 26 day work week…yes, the full moon has brought me a full plate this month – no doubt…

Goodnight Moon…you have succeeded in wearing me out!

A strange day

9/25/09

 

This day definitely did not go I thought it would when my eyes first opened to this morning's grey light coming in the blinds…not at all…

I knew I had nail appointment in the morning and a massage at noon, but my afternoon was as flexible as it could be with alternative and back-up plans built in. I did not expect to be stood up by a colleague on a massage I not only looked forward to but really could have used. I also expected with Jim getting off "call" that we would hang out together, instead he begged off due to feeling under the weather( or maybe just tired of hanging with me…so far, I have not heard from him since 3pm, even when i called to check on how he was feeling)

So left to hang out with me, myself and I, I attempted to make the best of a rainy Friday night. After getting my nails painted, I headed to the Peak City Grill for a beer and blue chips by myself. My sister called when I arrived and for thirty minutes, I had a friendly voice to chat with instead of my own thoughts. I actually ended up having 3 Yuenglings before finishing the giant plate of chips and heading the mile and a half home. Once here, the rain had paused and after calling Jim to check on him and getting no response, I went for a walk thru my complex. This is something I have wanted to do since moving in here 3 months ago and been too busy to do.

My complex is very charming, built atleat 20+ years ago, and as I walked, I began to air blog….in fact writing this now already feels old and written! Anyway, the landscaping is mature and natural and as I walked with the breeze of the encroaching cold front, the early twilight began to take on a slightly wild and surreal feeling. My thoughts were accompanied by a full range of sounds….from the steady background noise of Highway 1 to the russling of trees and shrubs mingled with the voices of residents and their dogs. A few cats silently watched me as I gazed at them and beyond into their houses as they sat on open window sills. Other than that the constant banter of my own thoughts and my steady footfalls kept me company on my little walk.

As I walked and thought about my day, I actually felt lonely. I don't feel that often. Mostly I covet my alone time. I guess today forced me to be alone when I hadn't planned to be, and that really seems to have affected my mood. As I walked, I noticed a porch similar to mine, primarily because it looked like an outdoor room complete with a welcoming little table light. I stopped to look at it a moment and felt the eyes of someone on the darkened porch below, watching me thru the pungent smell of cigarettes. I returned to the side walk and continued home.

It was a comfort, emotionally, to arrive at my building, to feel I belonged somewhere, even if only temporarily on this very cool and windy night. Hopefully someday there will be someone waiting for me to return from my wild walks to listen to my airblogs and general musings aside from my two neurotic cats.

I really hate lonely cloudy days…even my yellow sweatshirt that I have on seems to have lost its mojo for making me smile~

Goodnight moon, where ever you are hiding tonight~

Autumnal Equinox

It is no surprise to me that the only 2 equinox we have in a year are 2 of my favorite days. :- ) The spring equinox found me hiking my beloved Itusi Trail and this autumnal equinox finds me failing in love with a new trail/park – the Umstead!

My day was so perfect, I just have to write it down so I can remember it when the winter solstice arrives bringing with the the last of the long nightsl

So…I awoke to sun riding in my open windows on currents of cool fall air…no alarm clock! I made coffee and took a "Ben Franklin" on my screened porch. After spending my morning cleaning bit and taking care of some calls and such, Jim came over for a "lunch" that had very little to do with food :- ) Once Jim left, a nap was in order so I slipped on my bathing suit and sarong and headed for the pool in my complex. I was the only one there in that beautiful space and it felt decadent. After swimming and napping for almost 2 hours, it was time to eat an early dinner and hit the trail at Umtead park.

The photos I took give a glimpse of the beauty and Coldplay and Christine Kane on my ipod rounded out a wonderful hike to end the summer with. After chatting with my daughter on the way home, I made a quick trip to LifeTime to get some abs work done before calling it a day. Now sitting curled up in my clean bed, freshly showered and sipping black cherry juice, I am calling an end to a magnificent day, the last day of summer, with the excitement of Autumn already sneaking in thru my closed blinds...and my closing eyes~

Goodnight summer`

So…I have spent this last evening of my 46th year meandering down memory lane in the company of my good friend Jim. Now with only 50 minutes remaining before I turn 47, I am going to put a few of these memories down~

I have received and done my own Tarot readings for a month now and a common theme has reoccurred almost every reading…it is time to let go of the past. And I agree. I have carried a lifetime (or 2) on my back particularly this year but certainly for the past 4 since Mom’s death. This month my thoughts have gone backwards more than forwards as I have assessed the past year with its hard and bitter lessons and its beautiful and heart wrenching tragedies. It is a year I will not soon forget but I am certainly going to relieve myself of its burdens…it is time.

So I remember my birthday as if it was yesterday and it was a wonderful start to my year. My birthday actually fell on Labor Day and my daughter and I spent it on the lake with half of the population of Mooresville in our bright orange class 3 rapids certified inflatable kayak :- ) The lake resembled an ocean that day and I remember a lot of laughter. Ending my day with a 2 hour massage before going to eat with my daughter at my friend Daphne’s place truly iced a perfect memory!

So quickly things changed starting with the economic crash of October that sent me reeling at warp speed to financial destitution and emotional chaos. I learned humility and gratitude in depths I had never thought I would experience. I learned that 2 girls can eat on $10 a week and that a $5 tip would put 1.5 gallons of gas in my car. I will never forget receiving a call from a friend instructing me to look outside my door and upon doing so, found a box of food from Angel Food ministries that fed us for 3 weeks.

What I will never forget as long as I live was a visit from Jim at the beginning of December who had driven all the way from Raleigh with his entire trunk filled with non-perishable groceries and canned vegetables to fill my empty cabinets to absolutely overflowing…nor will I ever forget what gratitude, pride and shame feel like when swallowed all at once in a glass of my own salty tears~

The Fall of “08” was not all dark. Mandi and I had downsized to a smaller apartment that we adored, I worked several weekends at the renaissance fair and loved it, I enjoyed a couple of Mandi’s band events and milestones and ofcourse I enjoyed Mandi. Her birthday on Oct. 2 was actually an idellic fall day and we had the simplest of picnics at the lake but it was a beautiful celebration.

Through the late summer and fall, I also pursued a long distance courtship with an “illusion”. In my weakened and overwrought state, I ignored so many redflags that inspite of my family’s concern and ofcourse Jim’s, I planned a trip to New York to spend the New year with the author of a multitude of love letters and conversations…the man claiming to be my soulmate as well as a few other titles he did not honestly have.

I only thought I knew shame and humility before going…needing to be rescued from a situation I could never have imagined and that without photos, few people will ever “see” what I can only inadequately describe…that shame, disappointment and heartbreak practically immobilized me and I almost did not ask for help. But once again, Jim proved his love and concern for me and got me back to his home in Raleigh in 2 days where I spent a week recovering, sobbing, walking, hiking, sobbing and attempting to break the ties with a man I felt so utterly sorry for inspite of his purposefully self-misrepresentation.

No sooner did I start pulling my big girl pants back on to begin the new year, than I get the news that my dad is not well and so began the very rainy, foggy and tear-filled months of January thru April. Although this sadness was anticipated – Dad had been so ready for so long and as me and all my siblings came together, we reclaimed the same beautiful and tragic intermeshing of ourselves that we experienced with Mom. The finality of no longer having parents and the feeling of orphanhood was an issue I was unprepared for and even now, I find myself missing my parents at some level of consciousness everyday~

Fortunately, my birth year began looking up, having been gainfully employed since December and swallowing enough pride to declare banckruptcy, smiling came a little easier and I could feel hope creeping into my skeptical heart. Beginning in May, Mandi had a series of events, awards, as well as a busy schedule which I was more than grateful to immerse myself in. I planned and bartered for my second tattoo as well as planned my move to Apex (near Raleigh) and began packing and finishing loose ends.

Mandi’s graduation was beautiful and truly the highlight of this birth year even though I cried thru a significant portion of it. Her Dad and I had time together to truly appreciate our own accomplishment in raising our daughter from 2 different states with love. This will be considered my greatest achievement no matter how long I live!

Reality quit peeking in and jumped right on into the game when I got moved into my very first apartment/home of my own in 21 years…for the first time in my life – I am alone. I have very little time to be lonely and the few times I feel sad it is because I am missing a dear friend or my sister or my Mandalyn. Otherwise my numerous activities and Jim as well as my friends Layton and Chaz keep me busy and engaged with my new town ;- )

So….now I am 47. I wrote for the last 50 minutes of 46 and the first 49 minutes of 47. My cats, as they were before, still are, curled beside me on my bed and as 46 slipped silently away, 47 arrived just as silently. The new year has begun and in the spirit of John Lennon…let’s make it a good one, without any fear~

Goodnight Moon

Today’s Daily OM

WOW…..I really needed this today :- )

August 16, 2009
Present Connections
Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may feel nostalgic today and find yourself remembering the good times. These feelings may be caused by upheavals in your current relationships. It may be a good idea to set aside time to resolve any issues. You also might want to think about your past relationships and define what it was about them that you are longing for in your present circumstances. You can then make an effort to bring more of these qualities into your current relationships. If there are rifts that need healing in your existing relationships, you may want to find possible resolutions and devote some time today to strengthening your connections. Determining what you need now will allow you to create the essence of what you valued in your past relationships in your existing ones.

We can create meaningful connections in our lives by devoting our attention to the growth of our existing relationships. While certain aspects of our previous relationships might make us nostalgic and evoke warm memories, we have to remember that we can't go back in time. Though our past relationships may have once served our needs, we have grown since they ended. If we can instead focus on healing and strengthening our current relationships, we can devote our energy to the creation of connections that serve our needs now. At the same time, we will create warm memories to enjoy later. Focus your attention on any issues that need to be resolved, and you can strengthen and heal your relationships today.